Chapter Twelve

"Ndlovukazi.” Thandeka knocks on my office door. I’m preparing my speech for the year-end party that we’re hosting for all of the farmers and factory workers.

“Come in.” I say and she walks in, stopping behind the chairs at my desk.

“Ndlovukazi, I just got a message from the Kingdom border security, apparently there is a delivery for you.” She says. A whole delivery in this secluded part of the world? No wonder the security guards didn’t know what to do.

“Did they say what it is?” I ask.

“It’s a car.” She says. “On a truck.”

Hehe, Kgomotso Mnguni-Zwane, an entire month after my birthday and you think you can buy my affection?

“Please get the driver ready for me, we’re going to the border.” I say and she leaves. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to take anything else from her because it will all be out of pity now. And I don’t need pity gifts. The drive is not too long and we soon arrive at the border. There’s a big truck with a Mercedes on top of it. I step out of the car.

“Sanibonani.” I say to the guards.

“Ndlovukazi, nangu umlisa la uthi he has a delivery for you.” One of them says.

“Please open the boom gate.” I say and they do as they’re told. As I approach the truck, the driver door opens and out comes Thuto. Since when is he truck a driver?

“Now this is unexpected.” I say. He stretches his arms out for a hug but I keep my distance. “When did you become a delivery truck driver?”

“I have a code14 license.” He says, letting his arms fall to his sides.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Your stepmother asked me to deliver this to you. She said it’s your belated birthday gift…”

“Don’t lie.” I roll my eyes. Sure, the car is from Mamkhulu but she definitely did not ask Thuto to deliver it. He stares at me for a while before letting out a sigh.

“Okay. I offered because I needed to talk to you. I need to clear the air about my relationship with Nonhle.” He says and I pretend to yawn. I don’t know why Thuto thinks I care about whatever is or was going on between him and Nonhle.

“Ntando, we were pretending okay? Her mom hooked us up… we both knew it was never real… you have to believe me.” He says almost pleadingly.

“I don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe me an explanation, I don’t care if you’re dating Nonhle or not.” I say. He looks at me with much despair. I’m sorry, am I supposed to feel sorry for him? After he lied to me?

“Please, Ntando. I’m being honest.” He says. As if he knows the first thing about honesty.

“Why,” I start to speak and then remember that Thandeka and the guards are within earshot so I lower my voice. “Why would Mamkhulu hook you up with Nonhle two months before she helps me cheat on my husband with you? Mamkhulu knew we were hooking up, why would she do that to her own daughter?”

He just stands there staring at me like an idiot.

“Just leave, Thuto. And take that stupid pity gift with you, tell Kgomotso that I will not be bought.” I say before I turn around and head towards the boom gate.

“Ntandokazi, please. I’m telling you the truth.” He calls out.

“Leave!” I snap. “Get out of my life, Thuto. I want nothing to do with you. Leave.”

“I suggest you do as you’re told.” I hear Sbu behind me and I immediately get a shiver down my spine. Why is Sbu here? Thuto suddenly has a defiant look on his face, almost as if he’s daring Sbu to make him leave. I turn around slowly until I’m facing Sbu.

“Sthandwa sam, what are you doing here?” I ask. He’s not looking at me, he’s in a staring contest against Thuto. “Sthandwa sam…”

“Thuto! I won’t say it again.” Sbu says. Oh dear Lord, let me not be the Queen who has two men fighting over her. Let me not diminish my King’s dignity in front of his subjects. I’m staring intently at Sbu, trying to calculate his next move before he even makes it.

“I’m not here for you, Sbu.” This idiot behind me says. Sbu shifts his gaze to me and I flinch at the slightest movement of his arm. He holds his hand out for me and I take hold of it. We stand side by side, looking at Thuto. He walks towards us until he’s standing right in front of Sbu.

“Are you going to pretend that you don’t see the fear in her eyes? She’s with you because she’s afraid of you.” He says with a smug look on his face.

“Thuto, please leave. Please.” I say, barely a whisper.

“I’ll leave… but I’m not done with you yet.” He says to me, his gaze lingering a little longer than is necessary, then he turns on his heel and walks back towards his truck. Sbu’s grip on my trembling hand has tightened and I’m using every muscle in my little body to keep my composure. We watch as the truck drives off before Sbu leads me back into the borders of Emabomvini. I see the car that he arrived in parked next to mine. He tells my driver to take Thandeka back to the palace and my heart sinks.

“My love, I have to go back to the office…” I say as he opens the door for me. I don’t want to share a ride with Sbu.

“Get in the car.” He growls softly.

“Sbu…” I manage to whisper. I’m already pleading and nothing has happened.

“MaMnguni…” he growls, gesturing towards the car with his head. It’s an order and he has lost his patience with me, he is only keeping his cool because we are in public. I slowly get into the backseat of the car and he closes the door before getting in on the other side.

“Take us home.” He says to the driver. The ride is quiet and tense, he keeps cracking his knuckles. I’m saying countless prayers. What kind of marriage am I in?

Sbu and I are the picture of a madly-in-love couple when we arrive at the palace as he opens the car door for me and holds out his hand to help me out. What bystanders don’t see is how tight his grip is and how fiercely his eyes burn with rage. The intent look in his eyes may be mistaken for love by anyone who doesn’t know what just happened. Only I know this side of Sbu. The Sbu who growls when he speaks, the Sbu who punches walls and rapes women to prove his manhood. Let me not say women, it was just me. I think. I hope. He leads me into the palace and into our bedroom. He locks the door while I sit on the bed like a naughty schoolgirl who is waiting for punishment. He keeps his back turned to me for a moment before slowly turning around and walking towards me. He squats in front of me.

“You lied…” he starts and I remain silent, focusing on my breathing. “You… you said nothing happened between the two of you.”

“Nothing happened…” I say, unable to contain my fear.

“Why would he say he’s not done with you yet if nothing happened?” the calmness of his tone is unnerving. I don’t know what to expect from Sbu at this point.

“I… I don’t know…”

“You’re lying again!” his movement is so quick that I couldn’t have anticipated it and before I know it, he’s on his feet with a tight grip around my neck.

“Sbu, I chose you! I keep choosing you!” I say, trying very hard to release myself from his grip before he kills me.

“So you admit that you had options.” He says, still choking me.

“Please, Sbu…” I cry. He’s about to say something when we’re distracted by a faint knocking sound. Only one person in this entire palace could knock like that… Kayise. Sbu’s face immediately softens and he lets go of me. He takes a few deep breaths before opening the door to find Kayise in her crawling position.

“Hello, Princess.” He says, picking her up. I quickly get up and head into the en-suite bathroom. Sbu and I cannot go on like this. We were making progress. It’s been a month since I came back and we were doing so well. Then that idiot had to come and ruin things for me. I wash my face, taking a close look at my neck. I’ll need some make up for these bruises. He walks into the bathroom and stares at me.

“Where is Kayise?” I ask softly, leaning against the basin.

“I think we should get counselling.” He says and my eyes widen.

“Sbu, I don’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about our marital problems.” I say. It’s not true. I just don’t want to have to admit to him that I did cheat on him with Thuto. I don’t want to admit that to Sbu and I definitely don’t want to admit it to a stranger.

“MaMnguni, we can’t go on like this. We need to fix our marriage before I…” he trails off.

“Before you kill me…” I say and he looks away. “You need to take anger management classes, that’s the help we need.”

“I will. Only if you agree to go for counselling with me.”

I turn my back on him and look down into the basin.

“MaMnguni, you asked me to choose you. This is me choosing you. Choosing to make myself better for you, to make this marriage better for you. I’m choosing you, my love.” He says and I sigh. There’s no getting out of this one, I guess.

*****

“Welcome to Emabomvini, how was your flight?” I say to the marriage counsellor as I usher her into the palace. Dr Reneilwe Molefe, Stellenbosch University alumnus, class of 2030.

“Thank you very much. The flight was great, it’s not often that patients arrange a private jet for me.” She says and we share a short, dry laugh. I lead her into the study which is where we will be having our counselling sessions. Sbu immediately gets up and holds his hand out for a handshake.

“Dr Molefe, this is my husband and King of Emabomvini, Sibusiso Ngubane.” I say.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr Ngubane.” She says as they shake hands.

“Welcome to Emabomvini.” Sbu says. There are two couches in the study and we have arranged them to face one another for the purpose of this meeting. Sbu and I sit closely together, hands interlinked, facing the doctor. There is a spread of refreshments on the desk.

“Please feel free to help yourself.” I say, gesturing towards the food.

“Thank you, maybe at the end of the session.” She says, taking out a notebook and a pen. “So, Mr and Mrs Ngubane, why am I here today?”

Is that how counselling is supposed to go? Is that really how a qualified medical professional begins a session? I’m afraid to say anything even though we made her sign a non-disclosure agreement before she came. I thought of this because I don’t want anybody to find out that Sbu has abused me. I don’t even want this woman to know but judging by how serious Sbu is about this whole counselling thing, it will come out. The beating, the rape and the infidelity, the mistress – everything will come out during these sessions. I look at Sbu, almost as if I’m saying this was your idea, you start. He looks at me and takes a deep breath.

“We’ve been experiencing problems in our marriage… and I caused it. It started with me.” He says, taking me completely by surprise. Dr Molefe nods in acknowledgement but she’s waiting to hear more. Sbu takes another deep breath.

“It all started when I decided to have a second wife… that’s when we started fighting and… and I pushed my wife into the arms of another man…”

I try to let go of his hand when he says this but he tightens his grip. He looks at me briefly, as if he’s telling me to behave.

“So, there are issues of infidelity?” Dr Molefe says, writing something on her notebook.

“Well, my wife insists that she did not cheat on me… but I don’t believe her.” He says.

“Do you have reason not to believe her?”

“Last week he came here… he said he wasn’t done with her yet… to me, that can only mean one thing.”

“Is this when you started suspecting that your wife had been unfaithful?”

“No… that was a few months ago…”

I fix my gaze on a spot on the wall behind Dr Molefe, unable to move.

“So, you’ve had suspicions for a few months and you only had reason to doubt your wife last week?” she has this look in her eyes that suggests that she wants to pass judgement but she’s not really allowed to.

“Can we… follow the correct sequence of events please.” I say softly. I refuse to sit here while these two discuss me.

“On the evening of our daughter’s first birthday, I announced that I would be marrying Lineo Mofokeng, the Princess of Lesotho. I hadn’t discussed it with my wife and she got upset about it, we got into a fight that night.” He says and I stare at him, waiting to see if he’ll mention that he hit me. Dr Molefe continues writing in her notebook, I’d love to see what she’s writing. Sbu doesn’t say anything further.

“Where is your second wife now?” Dr Molefe asks.

“When I decided to start making things right with my wife, I decided to call off the wedding.” He says. Wait, when he decided? Did I not have to use emotional blackmail to get him to cooperate? I roll my eyes and redirect my attention back to the wall. This whole counselling thing isn’t going to work if Sbu is going to tell half truths. I told him it was a bad idea, I told him we wouldn’t be able to tell a stranger about our private affairs. So, what? He has resorted to making everything about my infidelity – which he isn’t even sure of at this point.

“Was this your first fight?” Dr Molefe asks.

“Well, we exchanged a few harsh words –“ he says but I cut him off before he can continue this nonsense.

“He hit me!” I blurt out, startling him. Dr Molefe’s head shoots up and she’s looking right at us now.

“Oh…” she says. I know exactly what’s going on in her head. She’s having an internal conflict between her professional self and her feminist self. She’s fighting the urge to tell me to call the police, divorce my husband and get a protection order because he will hit me again. She can’t do that, though because everything we tell her is confidential. Her left eye is twitching.

“I think that’s enough sharing for today.” I say as I get up from the couch. She blinks a few times before packing her notebook and pen in her bag and rising to her feet.

“Well, you’ll let me know when you’d like to have the next session.” She says, trying very hard to keep herself composed. I usher her out and close the door behind her. He’s been sitting on the couch cracking his knuckles. He usually does this when he’s upset but I can’t really associate the look he has on his face with that. He looks more embarrassed than anything. We sit in silence for a while. It’s too awkward to leave him here but I also don’t know how to start this conversation that we so desperately need to have.

“I’m trying, Ntandokazi… but it’s hard to admit that I’m this monster…” he starts. He’s not looking at me, he’s staring at his hands. His knuckles are all cracked out by now but he’s still squeezing his fingers. “I didn’t know how to bring it up to her… I was going to tell her but I didn’t know how...” his leg is shaking so I gently put my hand on his knee for reassurance.

“I’m sorry…” I say. That was unfair of me, if I’m being completely honest. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. Obviously, it was always going to come out. The problem here is my denial. I have managed to convince myself that Sbu is wrong about my infidelity and I panic every time it seems like the truth is going to come out. I’m defensive because I’m used to playing victim. I usually am the victim. And I can’t allow the pain that Sbu has caused me to be justified by an affair. Sbu and I have the same problem – we don’t want to admit our faults. Maybe that’s why we’re so drawn to each other – we’re in denial of our own toxicity. A lone teardrop lands on Sbu’s sneakers and I immediately throw my arms around him, placing his head on my chest. We’ll make it work… we always do…

*****

“kaMalandela, where is Sibusiso?” Sbu’s mom asks me when I unsuccessfully avoid making contact with her in the kitchen.

“He’s sleeping, Ma.” I say, busying myself with the breakfast components that I’m putting together for Sbu.

“Is he okay? He didn’t have dinner with us last night and now he’s missed breakfast…” she says and I roll my eyes.

“He’s fine, Ma. He’s just overwhelmed, just needs to rest.” I say as I pick up the tray and make my way out of the kitchen.

“Ntandokazi.” She calls out, making me stop in my tracks. I stop but I don’t turn around. “I don’t know what you did to my son but I’ll find out and I’ll sort you out.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I say, still with my back turned to her.

“All I’m saying is my son has never put anyone before me and then you come along and ruin our ties with the Lesotho monarchy and you turn my son against me… I will find out what you did to him and I will make you regret ever crossing paths with him. Mark my words.”

“Okay, Ma.” I say and walk away. And so it begins. I put out one fire and another one rages.

“Is that for me?” Sbu asks as I walk into the bedroom.

“Yes. Your mother missed you at breakfast, she thinks I bewitched you.” I say more casually than I ought to. He takes a slow bite of the cheese sandwich, keeping his eyes on me.

“She said that?” he asks.

“Not in so many words. She basically thinks I’m turning you against her.” I say and he just nods. I don’t know this side to Sbu. He seems so defeated, so tired. He’s quiet and passive and I don’t know what to do to get through to him. He became vulnerable yesterday and he doesn’t know how to come back from that.

“I’m going to my first anger management class tomorrow.” He says.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’ll just quickly fly to Durban and back. They have the classes twice a week.”

I look at him for a moment, not quite sure how to respond. He continues eating in silence.

“I’ll go check on Kayise.” I say as I get up. He takes hold of my hand.

“I love you, Ndlovukazi.” He says and my insides turn to pudding. Sibusiso Ngubane, my soul mate. The one man who can wipe away all of the pain and hurt he has caused me with a single gesture of love. I’m weak, I know, Thokozani has told me. But if Sbu is my weakness, I don’t mind at all.

I decided not to go to the office today and spend some time with my husband. I told the council that he’s not feeling well and that I’m nursing him back to health, so we might be away for a while. I expect that they’ll send someone to come and check up on him because, you know, the King’s health is of utmost importance. I’m sitting in the lounge when Thandeka walks in and right behind her is Nonhle, with a travel bag no less.

“Ndlovukazi, your sister just arrived.” Thandeka says.

“Thanks, T.” I say and she walks out. I cannot even pretend to be happy to see Nonhle because I think I may have a clue about the reason for her uninvited presence.

“Are you just going to stare at me?” she asks.

“I’m just surprised to see you here, on your own even. Wait, aren’t you supposed to be at school? It’s exam season…” I say, gesturing for her to take a seat on the couch next to me.

“School… that’s a long story. Anyway, I figured we need to talk…” she says as she sits. “uMa told me that you returned her gift.”

“Nonhle, you didn’t come all this way to talk about that.” I say, evidently running out of patience for the Zwanes.

“Thuto and I are not a couple anymore.” She says and waits for my reaction. Uhm, I don’t remember her coming to me and having this conversation when they became a couple to begin with, why is she here now?

“Ngihlanganaphi?” I ask with a blank look on my face, she looks shocked by my response. But honestly, why is she telling me all of this? How is it my business?

“Thuto told me everything and I thought it would only be fair for me to come and clarify why we pretended to be in a relationship.” She says and every muscle in my body tenses up.

“Thuto told you what exactly?” my voice has been reduced to an insecure whisper.

“About your…” she clears her throat. “…affair.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say and turn away from her.

“Ntando, I just wanted to apologise really. I’m not trying to cause trouble. I just want to explain now that I know the context.”

“Nonhle, get out of my palace.” I say, clutching onto the arm rest for dear life.

“Ntando –“

“Get out of my palace and get out of my kingdom. Now!” I say before getting up dramatically and leaving the room. How dare that idiot share such private information with my younger sister? How dare he share it with anyone at all? Why does he not know the first thing about keeping a secret? So now he and this little brat want to come here and ruin this marriage that I am working so hard to fix. I won’t allow it. I refuse to give the Zwanes any more power in my life. They can all go burn in hell, for all I care.

*****

“Before we start the session, I just want to apologise for my behaviour the last time. My reaction was very unprofessional but we can continue from where we left off.” Dr Molefe says.

“Oh don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that, it’s no wonder that I took you by surprise.” I say, giving her a reassuring smile. She takes out her notebook and pen.

“So this incident… was it the first time that it happened?” she asks.

“Yes…” Sbu says and clears his throat. “It’s been very difficult for me to admit it but I have anger issues and my wife has been the victim more often that I’d like to admit. It was the first time that I hit her… but it wasn’t the last…”

I feel a lump forming in my throat and he tightens his grip on my hand.

“I realise that when I accused Ntando of cheating and when I was beating her, I was projecting. I became insecure when I introduced the idea of a second wife because I thought she’d want revenge… so I immediately assumed she was cheating…” he continues and I raise my hand to stop him. This isn’t fair. I can’t sit here and let Sbu take the blame for everything. I’m not saying the fact that I did cheat on him justifies the abuse, but it is important for me to admit my wrongdoing… for the sake of healing.

“I have something to tell you… if we’re going to fix our marriage then I might as well be honest. I did cheat on you with Thuto. It was after you hit me the first time and I went to Johannesburg. I denied it because… because I thought it would cancel out how you hurt me and make it insignificant. I’m sorry. I regret everything…” I say. Dr Molefe sits there watching us intently, taking notes. We’re quiet for a moment.

“Sibusiso, is there anything you’d like to say in light of this new information?” she asks and Sbu lets out an exasperated sigh. He turns slowly so that he’s facing me and takes my hands into his.

“We’ve both made mistakes… and I think now is the time to rectify them. We’ve got a long way to go, my Queen, but I’m here for the long haul.” He says before kissing my hands. I throw myself forward to hug him and he holds me tightly. This is it, the breakthrough that Sbu and I have been searching for. Things will definitely look up from here and for the first time in a very long time, I don’t regret letting Sibusiso Ngubane into my life.